I'm gonna waste my time writing about how sad my day have been these days. My life went super three-ble nowadays, miserable, horrible and terrible. I just realized a painful truth. I got no bestfriend, I mean real friend which gonna stand up for me everytime I need them. I want realfriends not the two-face friends who friends with me just because of something or because they got no friend to be friends with. I always get fooled by my first impression to someone. I just hate my life. I hate that I born on this earth as me. I hate being me. Why on the earth God create me to just doing nothing, wasting my precious time, hating and judging myself, grew up being a useless and brainless people and just not worth to be friends, known and loved?
I've been having this breakdown started a couple of weeks ago. Starting from being backstabbed by the person that I trust the most, losing betsfriends, lots of dramas and craps happened, and the misunderstanding thingy. This struggles happenned to me until sometimes I wished to kill myslef. Okay too dramatic maybe. Yep, you don't see me crying, you don't see my breakdown and yes you sometimes see my smile, and you see me laughing my ass off all the time at school or anywhere. But frankly speak, I'm not happy. My life is not perfect like I once thought. Yeah yknow I once had lots of stuffs that everyone wished they have like having lots of great friends, amazing bestfriends and boyfriend(s), caring parents, loving family and dearest supportive internet friends. But I get fooled with my first impression, always. The one I see is not the one that actually happened. I am wrong. I have to admit that I'm not good at judging. Nobody's perfect right, even they try to be.
Back to the topic, I need a bestfriend. I really need one. I'm not a tough person who can still live without depending on others. I need someone who can hear all my problems and stories, who can always stay beside me whenever wherever, someone who'd go crazy with me everyday, someone who'd call me asking what I'm doing so that we could spend hours texting, someone who will trust me and told me his/her secrets, someone who will lend me her/his shoulder to lean on whenever I need them the most, someone who will replace all this blogging site that I could express myself with her/him, someone who will always know my problems and struggles without I need to tell them, someone who will always stand up for me and remains beside me through my ups and down. I just wish I have one. You guys may see I'm kinda in a close bond with some of my schoolmates, but I can't call them my bestfriends. I just know them for a while to make any judgement. I'm just afraid that my-first-impression would be (?) wrong? and I'm fear of losing friends and bestfriend(s). We are just closefriends. I hope we can be super close and be bestfriends but well who know maybe they don't even like me being friends with them, who-knows-lah-kan sigh. I am not a good friend to be friends with, I'm not a good girl to be loved, I'm not a good person to be known, I am just full of flaws and super imperfect.
I just want an ultimate bestfriends forever, the real one not the short period 'betsfriends'. Please. Please. Anyone, would you? Haih I sound so so desperate right? Well yes I am. Maybe. This is sometimes why I hate my life so much. I got no one to shared something personal with and I am so so hard at trusting people. Maybe I'm afraid of more backstabbing thingy. Haih I just confused. Someone, help me please.
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